Beautiful Things

Revelation 21:5 "And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful"

As I begin this post I am reminded of this scripture that has brought meaning and inspiration to me over the last year. Today was incredibly difficult and yet so meaningful and special. For those of you who know me know I lost my father at only 5 years old. Today my younger sister and I began the daunting, painful, and precious task of going through a collection of his things saved carefully by our grandmother. Amid laughter, tears, exclamations of joy, and surprises i was reminded of Gods grace and peace.

The details surrounding my dad and my younger brothers death are painful and extremely sensitive so I will not go into any of them here. But I do want to express my emotions and reactions to this part in my journey of healing. Like I said earlier I am reminded so often of Gods incredible gift of making all things new in our lives, of making beauty out of dust, and the power of His love for us. Although I have always had a very deep understanding of the incident of my families tragedy, many of the details and the aftermath were revealed to me on deeper level through the evaluations, paperwork, letters, and notes we received from my Grandmother. What I was not expecting was the blessing of Gods peace in my heart as I read. 

I am heartbroken yes as I read how truly lost my mother was prior to her outbreak. Tears fill my eyes as the words I read today jumble together in my head as I process and try to go to sleep. But the tears come for another reason as well. God is with me! I have no fear  anymore! I have no hate or anger! In spite of horrific details I remember being forever confirmed to me in these documents, the only emotion I feel is a deep sadness mixed with some sort of peace. It is as though after all this time, after all these years, my heart is finally in full agreement with my mind. Many of the questions and holes in my memories are being answered through this discovery. 

God has brought me on an amazing journey closer to Him with every step. This next step is hard, but I feel His presence so strongly tonight as memories merge with facts and the dots begin to connect. What my family and I experienced was so horrific it is impossible to truly understand or know or answer the question of why. And what I am finding myself tonight at peace about is that I can't know why. I can't know how. I can't understand it all. But I CAN see how God moved. I CAN see His hand moving to guide me through the pain. I CAN FEEL Him calming my heart.

It is time. God has been preparing me and my heart for this time in my life when the full depth and gravity behind the darkest part of my life would come to light. He has been molding me and healing me slowly in steps I can see so clearly now. As I look back instead of becoming wrapped up in the darkness of it all, I feel only a desire to move forward living in Gods peace and joy. In spite of how desperate Satan was to destroy, through Gods unfailing love and power there is no darkness over me. He has made me NEW. I have Joy, I have peace, I have more love than I know what to do with, and He is making me new every day.

Tears are streaming as I write this because I am so incredibly overwhelmed by His purpose on my life. His timing is perfect and He is making all things new in my life. This weekend my handsome guy and our church have a youth retreat that we do every spring. I do not believe it was by coincidence that this retreat is happening the same week I am reading these documents. As part of our first service my handsome guy asked me to do a sand art musical performance for our students. The song he asked me to perform the art too is "Beautiful Things". 

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

"Out of chaos, life is being found in You" 

The truth behind my past is covered with chaos, confusion, doubt, pain, and destruction. But out of the chaos, my life was found Him! My peace is found in Him! My hope IS found in Him. And He is making a beautiful thing out of the dust that remains. 

Satan sought to destroy, but he holds no power over me. I am not afraid. I am not ashamed. I am not broken. I am the beauty He created out of the dust.

Inspired by Him,

Kat